Date Everything! – A Hopeless Romantic’s Guide to Wooing Your Sofa

XPN Network
Sep 21
4 min read

Date Everything! plunges you into the most absurd dating sim imaginable: a single house where every object, from your toaster to the shadow in the corner takes on human form and flirts with your affection. Slap on a pair of enchanted sunglasses, and suddenly your carpet, coffee table, even the chandelier become suitors vying for your heart. As someone who’s polished off more visual novels than I’d care to admit, I couldn’t resist the cheeky premise that dares you to fall in love with the furniture you’ve spent years ignoring.

Among the more than one hundred potential romances, a handful stand out for their sheer creativity. There’s the chandelier, dripping with theatrical flair and demanding constant praise, whose every glittering flounce feels straight out of a Broadway audition. Your dependable couch offers gentle banter and soft-spoken loyalty, harbouring daydreams of exotic coffee table picnics. The fridge, by contrast, delivers philosophical musings in a cool baritone that somehow feels more soulful than any college literature major. And let’s not forget the mischievous houseplant, rustling its leaves to drop flirty hints, literally throwing shade when the conversation gets too serious. Each of these suitors arrives with its own sprite animations, hidden side quests, and dialogue branches so detailed you’ll wonder if the developer had a secret love affair with your living room decor.

Beneath the fluffy dialogue and cheeky romance lies a surprisingly strategic system. Relationship meters rise and fall based on your conversational choices, carefully timed gift-giving, and even impromptu indoor dance parties. The game’s day–night cycle forces you to juggle a limited energy pool. Do you spend your afternoon wooing the rug or save up for a moonlit chat with the microwave? Moreover, every suitor can end up as a rival, a friend, or a lover depending on your tone, so you’ll find yourself recalibrating your approach in real time. If you’re itching for deep stat management, Date Everything! might feel a bit light, but its straightforward mechanics let you dive headlong into the zaniness without overthinking each click.

Visually, Date Everything! strikes a perfect balance between simplistic 3D backgrounds and hilariously exaggerated character sprites. Dramatic close-ups capture every eyebrow twitch, jaw-drop, and swooning heart effect, while the clean, intuitive UI keeps dialogue flowing without obscuring the beautiful interiors of your virtual home.

The audio design leans hard into the satire with a cast of over ninety voice actors. The chandelier’s diva vocals drip with overconfidence, the fridge’s baritone ruminations could narrate a nature documentary, and the toaster unleashes indie-rock riffs whenever it feels particularly spicy. These performances elevate mere furniture into personalities so vivid you’ll find yourself genuinely rooting for their happy endings.

When it comes to accessibility, the game checks all the right boxes. Content filters let you skip any romance arcs that feel too outlandish, adjustable text speed and clear fonts make for comfortable reading, and single-click saves ensure you never lose progress before testing a bold new response. The absence of a rewind or “skip to next choice” feature stings at first, but consistent UI prompts and clear warning icons help you manage your in-game time without frantic backtracking.

Clearing every possible arc takes roughly thirty hours, with branching endings that reward multiple playthroughs. Achievements range from “Romanced Every Piece of Furniture” to “Master of Plant Flirtation”. At a price of £29.99 for thirty hours of delightfully absurd romance, Date Everything! shines with boundless creativity in character design, witty writing that lampoons modern dating tropes, and a newcomer-friendly interface. It does, however, sacrifice stat-driven depth, lacks rewind or choice-skip options, and suffers the odd visual bug. Yet none of these minor flaws overshadow the sheer fun of wooing your couch or serenading your blender.

If you’ve ever debated whether you had chemistry with your coffee table, this game will feel like a long-overdue date.

Pros

• Exceptionally creative cast with 100+ inanimate suitors, each sporting unique backstories and personality quirks

• Crisp 2D art and exaggerated sprite animations that elevate every flirtatious moment

• Robust voice acting from over ninety actors, turning household objects into memorable characters

• Light strategic layer via relationship meters and a day–night energy system adds meaningful choices

• Roughly 30 hours of branching arcs and achievements ensure strong replay value

Cons

• Relationship mechanics stay relatively simple, lacking deep stat-driven complexity

• No rewind or “skip-to-next-choice” feature can make experimentation feel punishing

• Occasional text overlaps and minor audio sync hiccups break immersion briefly

• Absence of a New Game + mode means full replays for alternate endings

• Some dialogue trees feel underdeveloped compared to standout romanc

Ultimately, Date Everything! is less about deep simulation and more about embracing the absurd joy of falling for your furniture. With an surprising amount of replay value packed into thirty hours of content, it’s a perfect palate cleanser for anyone fatigued by overly serious visual novels. Minor glitches and the absence of rewind or skip features never truly derail the fun. If you’ve ever wanted to serenade your sofa or court your coffee table, this game has your name and a bouquet of virtual flowers written all over it.

XPN Rating: 4 out of 5 (GOLD)