Priest Simulator: Vampire Show - Xbox - Review

A holy mess in the best possible way.

Priest Simulator: Vampire Show is what happens when someone dares to ask, “What if a priest, a vampire, and a Polish mockumentary walked into a bar… and then the bar exploded?” It’s chaotic, it’s unhinged, and it’s proudly, aggressively stupid in the way only a game that knows exactly what it is can be.

This is not a game that gently invites you into its world. It grabs you by the cassock, slaps a holy symbol in one hand and a demonic shotgun in the other, and screams “GO FIX THE CHURCH AND ALSO MAYBE PUNCH SATAN.” And honestly? It’s kind of beautiful.

You play as a vampire priest, a sentence that already tells you everything you need to know, on a mission to retrieve your stolen batoon (yes, that’s the word they use) and return to Hell. The whole thing is framed like a mockumentary, complete with a deliberately terrible English dub that sounds like it was recorded in a broom cupboard by people who had only skimmed the script on the bus ride over.

It’s intentionally janky, proudly weird, and deeply committed to its own nonsense. The humour lands because the game never winks at you, it just barrels forward with absolute confidence in its absurdity.

You get eight “divine” weapons, all of which feel like they were designed by someone who has only ever heard about religion through heavy metal album covers. You can dual-wield anything, which means you can absolutely walk around blasting shatanists with a holy relic in one hand and a demonic boomstick in the other.

Combat is scrappy, loud, and messy like Doom... if Doom had been made by a church youth group with access to black metal and no adult supervision.

Your church is a dump. A proper dump. A “condemned by three separate councils” dump. So naturally, you fix it by buying blueprints, installing modern tech, and unlocking attractions like confession booths and sermons that feel more like theme park rides than spiritual guidance.

It’s part management sim, part fever dream, and somehow it works.

The local pastor has been selling cursed totems to villagers, which means everyone is now possessed and screaming. Your job? Exorcise them. Sometimes violently. Sometimes with tools that probably aren’t in any official priest handbook. It’s equal parts hilarious and horrifying, like Ghostbusters if the Ghostbusters were hungover clergy.

The game proudly advertises its “fully unprofessional English dub,” and they are not kidding. It’s so bad it loops back around to being perfect. The world is a bizarre caricature of modern Poland, the characters are deranged, and the tone is a constant oscillation between metal album cover and sketch comedy. If you’re here for polish (the quality, not the country), you’re in the wrong place. If you’re here for personality, you’re feasting.

Pros

• Unhinged humour that actually lands — the mockumentary tone and intentionally awful English dub are comedy gold.

• Chaotic, satisfying combat with dual‑wielding “holy” weapons that feel like they were designed by a metal band’s art director.

• Church renovation is weirdly addictive, turning your rundown chapel into a supernatural theme park.

• Exorcisms are hilarious, messy, and never play out the same way twice.

• A world full of bizarre characters, deranged quests, and proudly unprofessional energy that gives the game real personality.

• Commits fully to the bit — no winking, no irony, just pure, confident absurdity.

Cons

• Jank is part of the package, and sometimes it’s charming… sometimes it’s “why is that villager vibrating into the ceiling.”

• Combat can feel scrappy, especially when the chaos overwhelms clarity.

• Not for players who want polish — this is a rough, loud, messy experience by design.

• Humour is very specific, and if it doesn’t click for you, the whole thing might feel exhausting.

• Some quests feel like fever‑dream filler, which fits the tone but not always the pacing.

Priest Simulator: Vampire Show is a chaotic, loud, deeply silly sandbox shooter that embraces its own madness with both hands. It’s not refined. It’s not subtle. It’s not even particularly sane. But it is funny, creative, and unlike anything else on Xbox.

If you enjoy games that feel like they were made during a 3AM energy drink binge, this is your new religion.

XPN Rating: 4 out of 5 (GOLD)

Priest Simulator: Vampire Show is available now!